Courtney's 18th Birthday

Today (May 11, 2015) would have been Courtney’s 18^th birthday.  I still miss her so very much…. seeing her sweet smile, hearing her yell “Daddy….” anytime I came home (but especially after a day at work), and spending time with her (bowling, Predators games, Titans games, playing Wii, or singing songs).

 

When Kelsey turned 18, I wrote her a letter telling her how much I loved her, what I admired about her, what I was proud of, and gave her some words of wisdom and advice to use as she faced this new phase in her life.

Although the context and advice would have been on a different level, I had always planned on doing the same thing for Courtney.  Although she is not here to read it, I decided I would still write it.

As it was with Kelsey, I have no problem finding things that I was proud of Courtney for or expressing how much I love her.  However, when it comes to the advice part, I find it quite difficult and realize that I should probably be taking advice from her.

·         Courtney loved everyone, unconditionally

·         She wanted everyone to be happy (evidenced by her love of Peace signs and not wanting us to even horse around with each other thinking we might get hurt or were really be mad at one another)

·         She lived EVERY day to its fullest

·         She persevered through so many procedures, surgeries, and medical inconveniences and NEVER complained

·         She brightened the lives of others just by being in the same room

·         She shared a bond with Kelsey that is stronger than most twins that I know

·         She was determined to do her best at whatever she attempted, regardless of her limitations

·         She loved Jennifer and I and always tried to please us

You see, basically Courtney lived a life that was modeled after Christ himself and she brought out the best in everyone around her.  What other advice could I possibly give her?

After raising Courtney and being around so many other “special needs” children over the last 18 years, I often have wondered why we say that they have “special NEEDS”.  Although they do have needs for things that are different from the rest of their peers, they have so many more traits and attributes that we all could use in our daily lives.  Maybe we are the ones that have the special needs and not them.

I am blessed to have a daughter that had to mature a lot earlier than kids should have to.  Kelsey had to share her sister with nurses and doctors in hospitals, nurses in our home for 9+ years, experience things in hospitals that were hard to bear, but through it all has become a beautiful young lady that will be graduating from Union this coming weekend and is the best big sister Courtney could ever have hoped for.

I am also extremely blessed to have a wife that has been so much more than that.  She is a loving mother of 2 daughters, a primary care provider for Courtney, chief organizer of our family, my best friend, and the glue that has held our family together for many years.

Although it is painful that she is not here with us, we were blessed to raise such an amazing your girl and have her in our lives for 16+ years.  I don’t know if she is celebrating her birthday in Heaven today, but I want to wish her a very HAPPY 18^th BIRTHDAY and let her know that one day we will all be able to celebrate with her once again.

I LOVE YOU Court Court

Easter 2014

I don't know how many people actually still read this, but thought I would keep posting since it is somewhat therapeutic to me as well.

We knew that Easter was going to be difficult this year, so we changed up the routine to see if that would help ease the emotions.  Kelsey, Jennifer, and I went camping at Tim's Ford State Park and had some friends join us in the adjoining site.  We got there Thursday afternoon and left Saturday morning.  Christy, Phillip, and their kids came down Friday morning and we spent the afternoon playing games and had a Scavenger Hunt.  Glen and Peggy also came over Friday and had lunch and dinner with us all.  Jennifer and I stayed at the campsite Friday night, but the rest of the family went to Peggy and Glen's so that they could get ready Saturday morning for our family Easter lunch in Liberty, TN.  That was the first time in a very long time that we have camped without at least one of the girls.  Although we enjoyed being out in nature and sharing time with family and friends, there were still moments of heartache and pain realizing that Courtney was not there to share in the fun.

We normally have a family Easter lunch at Glen and Peggy's the Saturday before Easter, but this year we had it at Jennifer's cousin's house in Liberty instead.  They did a tremendous job preparing the meal and there was plenty of things to do outside for all the kids and young adults.  The weather was amazing all weekend and it was good to enjoy time with family.  However, once again there were still moments of heartache and pain without Courtney there.

We went back to Peggy and Glen's house to spend the night and go to church on Sunday.  Courtney had enjoyed going to the Sunrise service with Glen and Peggy at their church the last few years and then we would meet them there for breakfast and go to the early church service.  Kelsey has sung during that service for many years, but just wasn't sure she was ready to do that this year.  She went back with Phillip on Saturday afternoon to Jackson and sang with a praise team on Sunday morning.  Jennifer and I did not make it for the breakfast and I had a hard time walking into the church and especially into the room where we usually ate breakfast.  During the service, I had a very hard time concentrating on the message because all I could think about was not having Courtney with us.  I know she is in a much better place and realize how awesome it was that she was celebrating Easter with our risen Savior, but I still miss her here.

The next couple of weeks are going to be difficult as well as we travel to my parents' house for the first time, have our family get together at the community center at the cemetery, and then Mother's Day, which would have been Courtney's 17th birthday.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers and I will update as I am able.  :-)

Sunday, April 6, 2014 - God's Not Dead

So many times I hear the question "How are you doing?" and although I know people mean well, I don't really know how to answer that question.

Sometimes I will say that we are doing fine or doing okay but that is only relative to the moment they are asking the question.  Most of the time I will say "day by day" because that truly is how we are approaching our lives right now.  I don't want to drag them down by saying that we still struggle every day at some point because of something we hear, see, or think that breaks our heart and reminds us of how much we miss Courtney.  However, there really are no "good days" right now, but we have some "good moments" and "not so good moments".

I know that this is a journey and we cling to the promise that God will provide comfort as we need it and that one day we will see Courtney again in heaven.  I know that God has a plan and we don't always know what that plan is or how it will be revealed.  Courtney touched a lot of people in her short lifetime, many that she never even met.  I am sure that many more have been touched since her passing and that many more will continue to be touched in the years ahead.  I pray that we will be able to bring honor to Courtney's memory and the legacy she has left behind and that one day we will be able to bring honor and glory to our Heavenly Father the same way that she did.

We have been overwhelmed by the support from family, friends, churches, and people we did not know before this happened.  I find myself thinking who or what do people turn to that do not have a personal relationship with Christ.  Jennifer and I watched "God's Not Dead" this weekend and it brought that thought more to the forefront.  The professor in this story who is an atheist makes the comment that some of the most devout atheists were once Christians.  If people who were professing to be Christians can turn away from God because He did not answer their prayers the way that they thought He should have, then how can people who do not believe in Him at all ever survive the trials and tribulations that they face each day.

I have truly felt the presence of God in my life and I know that He has a plan and He will comfort us.  Although I would have liked the plan to have been different and to have Courtney right here beside me right now, I have to trust that He will provide the comfort we need and direct us in the path that He has laid out before us.

I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers that we will continue to be comforted and be willing to allow God to use us to fulfill the plan that He has for all of us.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I haven't posted anything in a while, but wanted to say Thank You again to everyone for your continued prayer support and understanding during this difficult time in our lives. That is the most important thing you can do for us right now. I know that you may want to know what you can do, but it is okay to just be there and listen or lift us up in prayer right now.

This morning I heard a song by Jason Gray called "Not Right Now" that really hit home and thought I would share the lyrics. The chorus at the end is repeated after each verse, but I removed it to condense space.

"You could see the smoke from a mile away
And trouble always draws a crowd
They wanna tell me that it'll be okay
But that's not what I need right now
Not while my house is burning down

Tell me if the hope that you know is true
Ever feels like a lie even from a friend
When their words are salt in an open wound
And they just can't seem to understand
That you haven't even stopped the bleeding yet

Don't tell me when I'm grieving
That this happened for a reason
Maybe one day we'll talk about the dreams that had to die
For new ones to come alive
But not right now

While I wait for the smoke to clear
You don't even have to speak
Just sit with me in the ashes here
And together we can pray for peace
To the one acquainted with our grief

I know someday
I know somehow
I'll be okay
But not right now
Not right now
No, not right now"

May God bless each and every one of you who are grieving with us and supporting us. You have no idea how much it helps and I hope that you never have to experience it yourself.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014 - Courtney's Soul

Today was a little better, but there are still moments in each day that a spoken word, a picture, a situation, or a thought will provoke tears or feelings of heartache.  She was such an integral part of our everyday life that there are going to be things each day that do that.

I am not saying I want to forget those things or feelings, just that right now it brings tears and feelings of sadness because of our loss.  Eventually, there will be more feelings of happiness and joy when remembering things about her.  If you asked anyone that ever met her what was the one thing they remembered most about her, I think it would definitely be her smile.  She loved life and brought joy to everyone she met.  She could walk into a room and brighten it with her presence and that beautiful smile.  She would always greet us at the door with a big Hello anytime we came in, even if we had only been gone for a short time.  I miss hearing that "Daddy....." when I come in from work in the evening.  :-(

I was brought to tears at Courtney's funeral service when her kindergarten teacher spoke about her and read a poem that she wrote.  I asked her for permission to share it - I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Courtney's Soul



 An angel looked at the book of life
and then they looked at the Lord.
“I don’t know if we can send her
Her soul’s too sweet for that world.

It’s filled with people who hate
They don’t know which way to turn.”
But the Lord in his infinite wisdom
decided the world needed her.

He decided to share his sweet daughter
with the world for a little while.
He gave her to Randy and Jennifer
and then He looked down and smiled.

He saw that she needed a sister
to walk right beside her heart.
“They’ll feel just like they are twins
even though they were born years apart.

Her friends – they will learn about friendship
her teachers will know their true worth.
Her family and even her doctors
will learn from her lessons on earth.

I’ll lend her to them for just enough time.
She’ll help us as we reach our goal.
Of making the world a sweeter place
Because of our sweet Courtney’s soul.

And then one day when I call her home
and write her name where it’s meant to be
Our Heaven will be even sweeter
‘Cause they gave her back to Me.”







Monday, March 10, 2014

Over the past 10 days, I have often heard the phrase "I wish I knew what to say".  The truth of the matter is that there really are no words that can be said that will replace the emptiness we feel inside our hearts.  There are no words that can ease the pain and anguish over losing someone.  However, we know that God will provide the strength and comfort that we need to move forward and define our "new normal".

Likewise, there are not any words that are eloquent enough or strong enough to properly express our thanks to everyone who has supported us over the last month. 

We were overwhelmed by the number of people who came to the visitation on Tuesday night and apologize to anyone who did not get to speak with us before the service.  We decided to stay after the service, but realize that some people were not able to stay through the funeral.  We also realize that due to weather in some areas, we had a number of friends who wanted to be there, but could not make it.  The service was a wonderful celebration of Courtney's life and we are grateful to everyone who spoke, sang, or had any part in the service.

We also want to thank everyone that was able to attend the graveside service on Wednesday, but apologize if we did not get to speak with you.  There was lunch provided for everyone at the community center, but we were not sure that everyone understood that they could speak with us there and eat as well.

We have been blessed by your words of encouragement, prayer support, flowers, acts of kindness, and donations made in Courtney's memory.  It is amazing to see how many people Courtney touched in her lifetime, including many that she never met. I am sure that there will be many more that are touched in the years ahead by stories, memories, or pictures of her.

We desire your continued prayer support for Jennifer who has been Courtney's primary caregiver for nearly 17 years, for Kelsey who dropped out of school this semester to be with her sister and is closer to her sister than any sisters I have ever known of, and for me as I try to go back to work.

Today was my first day back at work and it reminded me of just how hard this is going to be. I have taken Courtney to McGavock every morning on my way to work. I loved listening to her morning prayer, singing songs with her while listening to 94 FM The Fish, studying for a test, or just talking about her plans for the day. I was in tears as I passed McGavock Pike, then Two Rivers Parkway, and as I walked into my office.

I remember a quote from "Sleepless in Seattle" when Sam answered a radio host's question about how he got over losing his wife. He said, ""Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

I still have a lovely wife and beautiful daughter to care for, but there is a part of us that is missing now and we will have to find a way to move forward without her.

If you would like to visit her memorial page to view pictures or leave a message, you can visit it at http://www.legacy.com/link.asp?i=ls000169913926&locale=en_US

Thank you and God bless each and every one of you.

Courtney Update - Saturday, March 1, 2014

8:30 PM  [Corrected on Sunday morning March 2]

We have finalized the funeral arrangements.

The visitation will be Tuesday, March 4th from 3:00 - 6:00, followed by the funeral service at 6:30 at our church - Hermitage United Methodist Church (205 Belinda Drive, Hermitage, TN 37076).  If you are familiar with Hermitage, the church faces Lebanon Road and is beside McKendree Village.

The graveside service will be on Wednesday, March 5th at 11:00 AM at Bascom Methodist Church Cemetery (5311 Vervilla Rd, Morrison, TN 37357).  [Please note this is the correct cemetery address corrected Sunday morning March 2)

Thank you for your continued prayer support.


8:00 AM

Yesterday, Friday afternoon, the results of Courtney's head cat scan revealed that Courtney would never be able to return to us with any quality of life and must immediately stop the blood thinners; meaning she had to come off the ECMO machine immediately and on to just basic life support. While surrounded with love, at approx. 11 pm last night, Courtney went on to God's promised quality of life. We thank God for the precious time we had with her.

Thank you for your tremendous show of love and prayer support especially over these past 3 weeks.  We will continue to need them for our entire family.